things i've become uncomfortable with...

I've decided to write a few things that I've become uncomfortable with since my weight loss began. Some of these things I knew I'd experience... others not so much.




1. saggy skin already. I knew I'd have saggy skin, but my skin feels wrinkly and weird already. Although I've had large arms, I've never been self-conscience of my arms. Now is a whole different story. you can see where my muscle is and where the fat has shrank. I'd say disappeared, but it isn't gone, just deflated. lol.



2. the looks. Once again, I knew I'd have people comment on my weight loss, but not like this. It is as if they don't see me anymore. People see my body, my weight loss. They literally look me up and down 3 or 4 times while saying 'you look great'.... Okay, I know I've lost weight, but do you really have to eye my body like that? It makes me want to hide. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! lol. It wouldn't be appropriate to look at me like that in any other stage of my life... skinny, fat, pregnant, old... whatever.



3. I'm emotional. and very uncomfortable about it. I think it is for many many reasons. My hormones are weird because of the weight loss. My cycle is abnormal. My ob/gyn put me on the patch. I hate it, but it is better than a cycle every day for a month and a half. Another reason is my self-perception because of 'the looks' and my saggy skin. I'm uncomfortable in my body because I don't know this body yet. I know that may sound weird, but things feel different, react different, and move differently.



4. the questions. I'm uncomfortable with people that I've rarely spoken with in the past asking me what I'm doing. I've never tried to hide my surgery, but I just feel like if I wanted them to know, I would have told them.



5. The facebook marketing for weight loss. So I understand that this is people's jobs. I also understand that they love their product. But Advocare and Body by Vi are not for everyone, especially not for me. I am on a diet, following my doctor and dietician. Gastric Bypass patients do not have normal digestion or normal anything. I want to follow their instructions and not your claim. Also, the pills... those are self explanatory. Also, the workout methods. I'm sooooo looking forward to doing a normal workout routine for a normal person, but unforunately, being 300+ pounds is not normal. I have to wait to SAFELY try workout programs. Insanity... not going to happen. P90X... not going to happen. I would literally break a bone from the weight of my body. Give me some time to adjust to a new body, time to lose weight, before giving me the workout speech. I workout. I walk/jog 2 miles 4-5 times a week. I burn 400-500 calories from that alone. I'm working at it. It will just take me a little longer.

recipe for the 'perfect' man. lol.

okay, okay... not perfect by any means... but just those little (and big) things that I want in a guy. :)


As you get older... husband prospects change... and what you want changes. I've always said I've wanted a Godly man first and foremost, but there are a few things that are not necessary, but I think it would aid in the attraction because of my life goals and what I like. lol. I know that sounds awful... but it is the God honest truth. So here I am... about to rewrite what I want in a Godly husband. and quite possibly what I've wanted all along and just dismissed it. lol. mind you, I'm writing this while my boyfriend and I 'take a break'. I haven't any idea what that actually means except that he needs to work on some things with himself and with the Lord. and that's something that I cannot do with him (not at this stage of our relationship, if we were married this would be completely different).

So here is this list that I may add to later. lol.

1. Godly man: not only a relationship with the Lord, but one that is producing fruit and growing. A relationship that I see and want. And it would definitely help if our doctrine agreed. lol. Reformed Theology!

2. Respect for my parents, family, and me. I don't think I need to elaborate, but a close relationship with my family is very important to me. and I want that close relationship with his family.

3. Optimism: I feel that life can really suck if you want it to and be really awesome if you want it to. You just have to change your thinking. I chose to see trials, sufferings, and hurts in a way that will bring Glory to the Lord. I know this is because of my relationship with the Lord, but I also know that I can change how I look at my sucky job/job hours and put a positive spin on it. For instance, working graveyard shift frees my time between 2pm and 9pm where I get to see friends and family. Also, I know this is not permanent. It may be for a year or two, but I know that I want to find a position that I love.

4. An interest in nature. so this is not necessarily a requirement, but I just really love the outdoors even if I'm not doing a single thing but laying in the grass on a sunny day or laying in a hammock with the stars above. I love sunsets, trees, FLOWERS, and all of God's creation. I did put an emphasis on flowers for a reason. I really love flowers. I love to be given flowers, I love seeing flowers, I just love flowers.

5. a general knowledge of vehicles and woodworking. again, not a requirement, but one of my dreams is to fix up a house to be our dream house. an interest in these things would be nice.

6. finanically aware. this is a requirement. I don't mean that he shouldn't have student loan debt or a car loan, but I do mean he should be aware of his financial situation. A budget is necessary and working towards being debt free.

7. So I feel this should be like number 3 because of its importance, but I guess it doesn't matter because these things are not in order. but... I want him to be okay with being single. What I mean by that is that I want him to know himself... to like himself and be okay with being with himself. I understand the desire to be married and to have children because I, too, have that desire, but I also feel that I like myself enough and am okay with where I am at this point in my life that I'm okay with being single. In no shape or form do I NEED a man to complete me. This is not an independent woman rant, but rather a confidence rant. I know that the Lord can use me in my singleness and while being married.

8. good communication: I do not want someone that will blow up or walk away if things get rough. I want to talk it out or at least be able to say "I want to talk about this, but I need time to process things first". I think this requirement is very dear to me because quite frankly many men in my life are not good at that. They just run or yell then run. It makes me feel unvalued.

9. I need to finish this later....

Pet Peeves

Strange how someone can yell at you about something they heard from a third party and not let you tell your side of the story. strange. I was asked for my observations, I gave my observations. Pretty simple. I won't lie to my boss.


Pet Peeves recently:


1. Not listening while someone else is talking.


2. Interrupting while someone else is talking.

Settling in to a new way of life.

So a life update.

just finished 3 months at my job. I'm working 10pm - 6am so the hours aren't great, but it is a full time job with good insurance. I'm also going to school full time. I don't know what I was thinking. This is hard and anyone to tell you differently is wrong. lol.

I've done a lot of growing up in the last 4 months since my grandmother's death and sometimes I feel like all I can think about is how different life is and has been. It is hard to not have her here. She was my best friend, so sometimes I find myself feeling a bit lost without guidance. If she taught me anything, it was to follow Christ and to love like He loves... including myself. With that being said... I have made choices and will continue to make decisions for me and my future and how the Lord wants to me to pursue life.

3 month update... okay maybe 4 but who's counting.

So since my last post I've lost my grandmother that I call Mama, lost my job, got kicked out of school (for having 3 C's), and broke up with my boyfriend. Some of those things I grieve for, like my grandmother and my job, the other two was for the best. And yet after all that has gone on... I couldn't be happier with what is happening. I mean, only the Lord can truly give me peace, love, and reliability. It has made me strong. Maybe I am just saying this because I'm still numb to everything, but I don't think so. My life could feel really dark right now... but it doesn't. I really thought that without my Mama, without my job, and without work, I would be miserable. I'm not. I'm so happy.

So, I have a job. Not an ideal job. and by that I just mean the hours are rough and the position isn't the position I would want for the rest of my life, but it IS a job... and after 40 days of unemployment I was happy to begin work. :) I applied at nearly 60 positions. 3 call backs.

too tired to write any more. will update again soon... or probably in another 3 months. haha.

Forever Sealed by His Death and Resurrection

I've experienced a hint of His eternal joy that outweighs any sorrow, despair, or hardship I may ever have. My life is owed to nothing less than Perfection. It is His now and I must abide. Although my obedience has sometimes been tilted, He still seeks after me and reels me in. I am forever grateful for His unfailing love that keeps with me and never fails. His grace and mercy has been bestowed and I can do nothing in return but glorify Him and share my story of peace, love, and grace that was so miraculously given to me by the Christ that bore more than the spiritual being of every person ever created.

Need to blog...

I haven't blogged in a month and a half... and even that blog was short. I plan to blog again soon, but right now I have class in 15 minutes. :(

3 month update.

I feel like it seems I've fallen off the face of the earth.

Since my trip to North Carolina, I've spent my time with school work, work, and my grandmother. That's what my life has entailed. Not interesting, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

SCHOOL.
I ended the semester with 3 A's and 1 B. My GPA is back up... school was great.

WORK.
In the past couple of months, work has been normal. Inventory, new computers, and training a butt load of new employees.

MY GRANDMOTHER.
Most of the days of the past couple of months were bad, really bad. I started grieving for her and she hadn't died yet. She is still fighting... not very strong, but still fighting. Chemo has gotten really bad and she decided not to take it this week. I spent the entire Christmas break with her (besides my roadtrip to Bradley's wedding in Orlando).

My trip to Wake Forest!

I flew out October 6th to Raleigh, North Carolina. I spent time with Tara Bordelon, a sweet friend I met through Campus Outreach about 5 or 6 years ago. We enjoyed our time together and spent much time talking about relationships and what the Lord is showing her through her breakup. It was extremely encouraging and it made me realize how much I miss those heart friends. I am so thankful for her because we can talk about anything. The Lord really used her to challenge me in my thinking and choices.

"Sin is a choice because you are filled by the Holy Spirit. You are no longer enslaved to the sin that you once knew. You have a choice to respond in a Godly way or an ungodly way. You can choose."

Here are some pictures from the trip:

Above is a picture of the 1040 Window that Amelia, Tara's roommate, made. I want to recreate it.



Above is a view from Tara's apartment complex. BEAUTIFUL!



This light fixture is from an Asian place in downtown Raleigh.



We sat by this lake one afternoon and just read. It was awesome.

We spent a lot of time just relaxing. We went to a few parks they have there and everything is just beautiful.

The Lord's Table

Colonoscopy is tomorrow. Not excited at all, of course. Hopefully, this will give an answer of some sort.

So in a few weeks (depending on results from the colonoscopy), I plan on starting a book/devotional called The Lord's Table. It is a biblical approach to weight loss and healthy eating. My good friend, Tara Bordelon, recommended it to me. If anyone wants to join, please let me know. It would be great to have a friend or many friends on this journey together.

creative streak the past few weeks.

The past 2 weeks or so I've done a few paintings. They have been New Orleans or South Louisiana inspired.

water meter


New Orleans shotgun house




Freshwater crab

My new coffee table.

This chest was given to me by my grandmother. It was her Aunt's. When she got married, all of her belongings went into it. I cleaned it off and sealed it. The inside stinks so I can't store anything in it, but I am using it as a coffee table and I love it! I also made a cover for the top.

Mexican Casserole

My cousins, Lea and Jordan Deglandon, and I made up this recipe when we were around 10. Technically, Lea would be 11, me 10, and Jordan 9. My little brother loves it and so do I. I've been making it a lot lately because my roommate, Ashleigh, loves mexican and loves this recipe.

Mexican Casserole

1 can of refried beans
10-12 small flour tortillas
1 jar of salsa
4 cups of shredded cheese (less if you don't like the loads of cheese on top)
1 pound of ground beef or ground turkey
1 package of taco seasoning
Sour cream as desired for topping

Preheat oven at 350. Empty jar of salsa at bottom casserole dish. Mix can of refried beans with 1 cup of shredded cheese and heat on stovetop stirring constantly to melt the cheese in the beans. Spread mixture onto tortillas and roll up placing into casserole dish on top of salsa. Brown ground meat and then season with taco seasoning. Pour on top of tortillas and then top with cheese. Put in the oven until cheese is melted. Garnish with avocado and/or sour cream.

Health update

No more Horomone Replacement Therapy! Yay! Cysts are down to less than a 1/4" and the bleeding is back to normal. I feel like this calls for a celebration. No more hot flashes, no more irritability, and no more menopausal feelings. lol.

I have other symptoms that I'd rather not disclose on a blog, but those seem to be under control for the most part. I have a colonoscopy in October to see if I have ulcers or possibly Chron's disease.

Can I please have a break?

My body is driving me nuts. I am on a hormone pill called Provera and the side effects are driving me out of my mind. Insomnia, rages of tears, hot flashes, confusion, headaches. This is ridiculous, but it is working for what it is intended to do. Well, hopefully. I have huge cysts on my left ovary which is making me bleed 20 days of the month... not fun. So... the bleeding is better and hopefully the size of the stupid things have gone down by my August appointment. I am thankful that the pills are only 10 days out of the month... but it takes nearly a week for it to get out of my system. so here's to another week of side effects.

My mind is disorganized and I am emotional... which is not helping with the schoolwork. Summer school with 6 hours was a huge mistake. So much to do and my brain doesn't seem to want to function. My prayers are daily for the Lord to organize my thoughts so that I can function. The semester is 8 weeks long and for 6 of those weeks, I am in the midst of menopause. lol. I hope I only have to take the medicine for a month or so more... I'm not sure I could do this the rest of my life. I'd rather live with the pain and bleeding from the cyst. lol. but apparently, those cysts can cause damage and prevent you from getting pregnant. And I know I want to have children, Lord willing.

I am taking 2 grad classes this summer-- which by the way is ridiculous, in case you didn't get it the first time. A lot of reading (which I feel like I'm only doing half of it) and a lot of writing (which I hate). To top it off... my heavy courseload is a class called Grief and Loss Counseling. lol... it is pretty depressing and I'm already an emotional wreck.

I'm going to try to sleep for a few hours before work in 4 hours. Goodnight all.

In the next 10 years...

My "homework" assignment in therapy this week was to make a list of things I would want to do in the next 10 years. and things that make me happy... so here it is. I will be 34 years old and the year will be 2020

In the next 10 years:
-Have a career in Counseling
-Pay off all debt
-Travel: Italy, Australia, the UK, Hawaii, the Caribbean
-go camping in Yellowstone Park
-go on a cruise
-Buy a Craftsman Style house (preferably with a pool and hot tub)
-I'd like to get married
-have children
-home school my children
-grow and maintain a vegetable garden
-give blood
-go skiing
-take a spontaneous trip (get on a plane and plan as i go once i get there)
-Plant a fruit tree
-sell a painting
-hike to a waterfall
-a kiss on new years eve


Things that make me happy:
-smell of gardenias and orange blossoms
-Orchids
-Magnolias
-Stephanotis
-handwritten letters
-sleeping outside
-smiling eyes
-being creative
-crabbing
-fishing
-smell of the ocean
-fresh, clean, cold sheets
-cooking for a crowd
-pedicures
-decorating my home
-falling asleep naturally






I'd like to eventually:(not necessarily in the next 10 years)
-travel to every continent except Antartica.
-Travel: I'd like to go see the Grand Canyon, the Mountains, the Pacific Ocean, Fields of Montana, Redwood forest, Niagra Falls, The Great Barrier Reef
-adopt a child

Womanhood

I really should do more writing, but lately I feel I haven't any time.

The Lord is really speaking to me lately about my womanhood. Because of some recent developments in the physical medical perspective, I've been praying and weeping that God would allow me to have children and he would heal me. I was defining my "womanhood" on whether I could have children. In all reality, my role and purpose as a woman is defined by His first words when creating Eve. He called her a "helper". You see at my core and the essence of a woman, my role is a helper. By my very nature, I am a helper. This helper isn't just a serving helper... which is very important. In Genesis 2:18, God uses the words: "It is not good for man to be alone, I will create a helper suitable for him." That word helper in greek is Ezer.

ezer (greek)- Help meet, helper suitable, companion, counterpart, comparable, fit, just right, ally, support
Scripture has three main types of “helpers”
1. Helper- PILLAR- to set securely on high, support and affirm husband and children. Ps. 20:2, Ps. 144:12, Proverbs 31
2. Helper- Protector- shield of fath, protector of life and community, protector children, protect from temptation. Ps. 33:20, Eph. 6:10-20
3. Helper- Defender- in prayer and truth Deut. 33:7

Also notice that... The first part of the verse is "it is not good for man to be alone..." God created many things in the beginning and said "it is good", but he saw that man was not yet complete without this other gender. A gender of gentle support, affirmation, and life.

My role as a woman is just that. A helper. a gentle support. affirmation. life. I will be what he has called me to be... glorify Him through the role of a helper.







I talked about all of this this past Wednesday as a guest speaker at the Rise Service. It is a young adult/college worship service that I have grown to really love.

Nolan

Nolan is 15 weeks old now. As of one and a half weeks ago he was 7 lbs. 5 oz. He has gotten all of the required shots, but he will get one more that prevents Kennel Cough because he will be taking obiedience courses hopefully during the summer. :) He is completely trained on his potty pads, but not that excited about pottying outside on the grass. He loves to play fetch and does it quite well. He has also learned to sit. He comes when I say it nicely. lol. Otherwise, he will run from me, but he is learning. :)

Anyway, he is doing great!

Nameless PypPyp has a name.

Nolan Piper Deglandon

Nolan came home on Sunday, February 7, 2010. He was 6 weeks and one day old. He weighs 3.5 pounds now. He is so cute. He is doing just fine. Sunday night he cried for hours until I finally put him in the bed with me. I figured he was lonely, since he had been around the other puppies and mom since birth. I set up a little area for him to play while I am at work. He whimpered when I left (my roommates heard him). When I came back for a lunch break, I left the television on so he would hear some noise and be less lonely. It worked like a charm. I got home from class and he was so calm. :) His crate finally arrived last night and I set it up with the divider and put it in my room. He slept in there last night. He whimpered a little, but not wailing. He is eating just fine. He has started using the potty pad. Right now, he poops on it and pees on the tile, but he will get use to it. We went outside yesterday for like 3 minutes during the daylight. He liked it. The poor thing has fleas. :( I have been taking them off one by one, because you can't give him a flea bath until he is 12 weeks.

Nameless Pyp Pyp

I bought a puppy, a chocolate/tan dapple dachshund to be exact. He is just adorable. He is not like his 2 brothers from the same litter. They are smooth and he is fuzzy... which I think means he will be a longhair. I got him for a great price. He is AKC registered and I am hoping that I will be able to breed him with my Aunt's dapple dachshund in a year. He will be home with me shortly. I am hoping for February 10 or 12. He was born on December 26 and he is only 5 weeks old. He needs to stay with the mother until at least 6 weeks. By February 12th he will be 7 weeks old. He is very gentle, shy, and laid back. I carried him like a baby on his back and he just laid there looking at me. He is so sweet.

His name is still undecided. I initially wanted to name him "Piper" because of how Lindsey Morris (and now many other people) call puppies, pyp pyp's. I've also thought of many other names. When I first saw him, I said he was "Charley"... and I really like that name.

Here is a list of other possibilities:
Grayson
Grant (my first pet's name was Ginger. Ginger Grant is from Gilligan's Island)
Hadley
Harvey
Hudson
Nolan (guy version of Nola, also known for New Orleans)
Paxton
Ryder
Spencer
Pascal
Sawyer (LOST character)
Theodore (He is shy and chunky.)
Charley (Charlie Pace is a LOST character, one of my favorite characters.)
Wesley
Piper
Brodie